In a Passionate State, Tears should not be Trusted

Venerable Macarius of Optina. "Edifying Teachings" (from letters).

Venerable Macarius of Optina (1788-1860)

You inform me... that you are now deeply distressed about your former life and even weep and sob. We must weep; true repentance requires weeping, and much weeping; but tears, in a passionate state, should not be trusted as correct.

St. John Climacus in the 7th Step says: do not trust the sources of your tears before complete cleansing from the passions. And again, in the same Step: "When we see anger and pride in those who think they weep for God, then such tears must be considered incorrect, for what communion has light with darkness?" This saint says in the same place that novices have tears for many and varied reasons: from nature, from unjust sorrow, from vanity, from the demon of fornication, and from other causes. He advises examining such tears with the fear of God and purifying them with the memory of our departure from this life, in order to acquire pure and undefiled tears, in which there is no loss due to arrogance, but rather a cleansing, washing clean of sin. Moreover, one must always remember the words of this same saint, spoken by him in the same Step: "Great is the malice of our enemies; they make the mother of virtues the stuff of passions, and turn the self-reproach of humility into a pretext for pride" (V, 447, 757-758).

You write about N. N.'s constant prayer and other matters; one must find out if she has a secret high opinion of herself due to this, and that is why her infirmities are increasing. One must pray to the Lord not to allow to fall into delusion (VI, 57, 92).

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Delusion via Night Dreams

Saint Macarius of Optina (1788-1860)

Letters of St. Macarius of Optina.

...Your dream cannot be trusted precisely because it disturbed you; I always write to you that your disturbing thoughts stem from the enemy's wiles, so why do you need further confirmation from a dream? Perhaps the enemy has a method of seducing you with true dreams, then leading you into complete delusion. Better yet, leave them alone and don't believe in dreams. We have the word of God and the advice—the teachings of the holy fathers. And in your perplexities, you have the Mother Abbess, the sister, and I, a sinner, will write something according to your faith...

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Falling into Sins that Reproach the Conscience Can be Due to Subtle Mental Demeaning of Others

Saint Macarius of Optina (1788-1860)

"Great Russian Elders." Venerable Macarius of Optina.

Consider the actions of your heart and mind: are there any high opinions of yourself, both in spiritual and secular matters—does your thoughts demean others? If you sense such things, strive to quickly banish them from your heart and not give them room. For those who let them creep in, as punishment for friendship with them, God may allow them to fall into sins that reproach the conscience. Have compassion for your neighbors who require your help; pay attention to the poor, the orphaned, and the needy, according to your ability. All this will attract God's mercy to you.

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Vanity Destroys Even Good Deeds

Saint Macarius of Optina (1788-1860)

Venerable Macarius of Optina. "Edifying Teachings" (from letters).

... I only think it necessary to remind you that everything good that you do should be imbued with humility: whether prayer, fasting, almsgiving, forgiveness of your neighbors, and so on, do all this to the glory of God and with humility. I suggest this to you because I know that the hater of good, the devil, when he fails to turn us away from some good deed, he tries to darken it with arrogance and vanity (I, 161,325-326).

... As in every good deed, vanity and conceited opinion of oneself are intertwined, it is necessary to resist and reject it; and just as a climbing plant dries up many trees, so vanity destroys good deeds (V, 575, 774).

What is done with good intention cannot harm; it is only necessary to observe that ivy does not creep on good plants, which can dry up their fruit - by ivy  I mean vanity, which was approaching you; but for this you need to have vivacity of mind and see your own badness; otherwise, falls will involuntarily humble you (III, 273, 484).

As far as I can see, you are led by vanity, you wish that your weakness is not noticed, but you want to appear good; self-reproach and humility are not visible in you, and you do not endeavor to have them (V, 496, 666).

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If we do not See Pride in Ourselves, this is a Sign that we Have it

Saint Macarius of Optina (1788-1860)

Venerable Macarius of Optina. "Edifying Teachings" (from letters).

You also write that you do not see vanity and pride in yourself and would like to know the signs of these. The very fact that you do not notice these passions in yourself is a sign that they wrap your soul, covering it with darkness and gloom, which, both in visible objects and in mental ones, equally prevent you from seeing what is present. There is clear evidence of this in the 23rd Step of the Ladder, how the wise elder taught spiritually his brother not to be proud, and he, blinded in his mind, answered: forgive me, father, I have no pride. The elder continued: yes, child, how can you prove your pride more than with these words that “I have no pride.” Darkness, according to Basil the Great, is the absence of light. And in spiritual things, in the absence of the light of humility, the darkness of pride covers the soul (I, 446, 755).

When one does not notice anything bad in oneself, isn’t he led by the spirit of pride? But the humble see their sins like the sand of the sea (V, 145, 240).

I heartily rejoice at the change in your disposition, that is, keeping away from laughter, idle talk and blasphemy; but you should control that with it, arrogance, vanity, conceit and the most fierce pride do not creep into the heart, which blind the person and do not allow “to see one’s sins” and “to have a contrite and humble heart” (III, 280, 498).

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Various Kinds of Delusion Including False Vision of the Cross

St. Macarius of Optina.

Extractions from the Letters of Saint Elder Macarius of Optina.

2. Illusions

It is dangerous to assume that our dreams are revelations: this leads to spiritual pride. Ponder calmly: is it likely that a heart and mind, both fully under the influence of all the wildest human passions, can truly mirror divine revelations? Does not such an assumption betray undue reliance on your own worthiness? For who can esteem himself worthy of such grace? [268]

You yourself have perfectly described the reason of your woe. First, your education. This, although Christian in theory, did not lead you to a Christian life in practice. Secondly, your early life ran exceptionally smoothly, without any of those temptations and afflictions which-when wrestled with or accepted in the right way-can make true Christians of us. Indeed, when you were a child and when you first grew up, worldlings showered on you much flattery, adulation, and praise. Thus encouraged and helped, unhealthy illusions concerning your importance, superiority, and goodness steadily poisoned your heart, so that even before the cruder passions beset you, pride and a hard self-esteem had built up a sound foundation for your woes.

God resists the proud; He allows them to be humbled by manifold chastisements and by the scorching torments of passion. Your insisting on separation from your first husband was a proof of the hold lusts and passions had gained over you. And, although the situation which naturally ensued could not flatter your pride, it was your pride that had forced the situation.

Then the tentacles of chastisement closed around you! Not only did the fires of a stricken conscience torment you, but, gradually, trifling worries, pin-pricks, annoyances accumulated into a great weight that crushed you, and flattened you out. Still wishing to stamp your will on all around you, you grew agitated and distressed. This agitation and distress, far from acting as a balm to your passions, exasperated them until, at last, your suspicions and jealousy affected your mind.