Letters of Saint Ambrose of Optina.
Praise and thanksgiving to the Lord for
due to all-powerful petitions and prayer intercession of Our Lady
Blessed Virgin Mary your gloomy thoughts at least were somewhat cleared
up. Although the desire to move to Arz. does not leave you, sometimes
the thought contradicts you, and the secret suggestion in the heart says
that this intention and desire is vain.
You write that the suggestion is very
quiet and calm, but on the contrary, when the desire to leave the
monastery seizes you, you feel bitterness, gloom, unforgiveness, and
hatred against neighbors, and laziness in prayer. You should understand
from this that the desire is from the devil, and it is a suggestion of
the enemies and haters of the human race, looking for our eternal
damnation. Saint Gregory of Sinai writes: "You need great discrimination
in order to distinguish between good and evil. ... You must also be
aware that the effects of grace are self-evident, and that even if the
devil does transform himself he cannot produce these effects: he cannot
induce you to be gentle, or forbearing, or humble, or joyful, or serene,
or stable in your thoughts; he cannot make you hate what is worldly, or
cut off sensual indulgence and the working of the passions, as grace
does. He produces vanity, haughtiness, cowardice and every kind of
evil." (citation from Philokalia, Vol. 4).
You partly experienced this yourself, by
your own experience, so be careful and reasonable: keep the good, and
reject the evil. You write that sometimes some kind of painful, untamed,
disheveled, fierce, devilish joy comes over you, that tires you
awfully, and that every sorrow of the soul is better than this ugly joy.
Now you see for yourself that this joy is from the enemy: but at the
same time you should know that this disheveled joy does not come without
cause, and, apparently, it was once that you accepted the deceptive and
delusional joy as a true one because of inexperience and negligence.
I likewise advise you to sit at home, in the monastery, and in your cell this year, and to go nowhere. God knows how much your life will last, and therefore, especially in recent times, you should not despise the secret suggestions of our conscience, aroused by the Guardian Angel, given to us at Baptism. Not in vain the ancient fathers said: "Sit in your cell, and it will teach thee all". Especially that befits a person, who is weak, both bodily and mentally. Now wandering and physical works are inappropriate in time and place. Old men and women don’t go to the children's school as it is inappropriate and untimely for them due to their weakened memory and physical strength. It is appropriate for old and weak to humble themselves and to prepare themselves with sincere repentance to go to eternity.
I likewise advise you to sit at home, in the monastery, and in your cell this year, and to go nowhere. God knows how much your life will last, and therefore, especially in recent times, you should not despise the secret suggestions of our conscience, aroused by the Guardian Angel, given to us at Baptism. Not in vain the ancient fathers said: "Sit in your cell, and it will teach thee all". Especially that befits a person, who is weak, both bodily and mentally. Now wandering and physical works are inappropriate in time and place. Old men and women don’t go to the children's school as it is inappropriate and untimely for them due to their weakened memory and physical strength. It is appropriate for old and weak to humble themselves and to prepare themselves with sincere repentance to go to eternity.
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