Metropolitan Nektarios (Antonopoulos). ‘The Holy Mount which I have known a little and loved so much’
Extracts from the conversation with Elder Ephraim of Katounakia
I have told you already the story about Fathers from the Lavra coming to me with a proposal to make me the Hegumen there. I answered, “O Fathers! I will pray, and if I get an assurance, I will come to you.” But I was talking in a language not familiar to them, as they were not men of prayer.
‘What do you call ‘an assurance’, Gerondas?
‘I wish I could explain it to you, my child… Usually when you are going to ask God to give you a notice on some question, you address Him when in the state of grace or after the Divine Liturgy. You are praying about a problem or about a person, and the grace increases, enlightens you and makes changes so that you are clearly aware of an assurance. You are feeling that there is God’s will to fulfil that, and it will come true. However, when you feel the grace to decrease, feel sorrow, burden, you understand that there is no God’s will to fulfil what you are asking for.
When your tears gush out and you are full of calm, this is God saying to you that your prayer has been accepted, that He hears you. You see no obstacles. The more you are praying, the more tears are gushing and the greater is the sense of calm. On the other hand, when you are praying about a person and feeling like talking to the wall, or experiencing sorrow, or you have no tears, there is nothing to be done. It is like God is telling you, “I cannot hear you. Stop praying.”
Sometimes you can hear a voice, either an inner one or an outer one. You cannot realize where the voice comes from – from the inside or from the outside. So, when the fathers from the Lavra arrived, I was praying. And I felt a great burden when going out at the Great Entrance with the Diskos and the Holy Chalice. I visited my spiritual Father, Fr Dyonisios, and he said to me, ‘What other assurance are you waiting for? If you can’t bear the burden of being the Hegumen, it’s out of question.”
I also wrote to my brother, Haralampios, seeking his advice. He answered, “Don’t agree! We, military men, are used to rule the army and can predict what the results can be. In your case I’ll tell you that you will make lots of mistakes not knowing the idiorrhythmic monasticism…” Later, Elder Paisios wrote to me not to move to Lavra. See? That’s how I got the assurance. It can come at the time of prayer or as a vision, depending of the will of God.